His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
