no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
