i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
