I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
