We named our party play list daddy issues
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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