Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
