we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
