I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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