careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
