3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
