Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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