so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
