i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
