i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
