Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
