and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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