I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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