Jerry, you need to find god
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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