You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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