i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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