The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's official drugs can't kill me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
