I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
