Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
