My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
