I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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