I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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