there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
