I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
