Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
