Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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