During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
