Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
