I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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