I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
