I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
