I love black thongs
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
