I puked a lego.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
