can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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