Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
