I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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