I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
