bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I hate all girls vehemently.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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