Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
