highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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