Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The ass gains better be worth it
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