so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
