Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
