I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
