my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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