She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
