as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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