You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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