WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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