Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
