if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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