no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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