When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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