youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
