I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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