I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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