you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
