we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
