i can't believe i had my finger in that
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
