Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
